Three days after takeoff and 220 miles from Planet Earth, the crew of the Space Shuttle Endeavor realized that after careful packing, no one brought toothpaste.

“Packing for a week in Disney is hard enough,” exclaimed the flight commander. He went on to say, “The crew is giving me [sic] because I forgot the toothpaste. At least I didn’t forget the Japanese space station module, Canadian robot with 11′ articulating arm, and the rocket fuel that got us here!”

The oversight became evident, as the sleeping quarters of the International Space Station began to fill with smell rotting food or flesh. “We started looking in every corner for a dead mouse or something,” said the flight’s navigator. “Then all at once, it became clear that the smell was our collective halitosis.”

The only relief in sight for the frustrated crew is a safe return home fourteen days from now, says a person familiar with the amenities found aboard the International Space Station. “Its gonna be tough up there. The last crew to leave the space station took anything that wasn’t bolted down and tried to sell the stuff on Ebay.”

“Godspeed,” says this reporter.

Standing on the 14th street platform, I could see the E train arriving. Amazed at what I saw, I sprinted towards an empty car thinking, ‘An empty car, with seats galore!’

The doors swung open and I sank in to the seat right next to the door - no one sitting next to me and an easy exit at 23rd and Ely.

Suddenly the trip improved tenfold. From the warm smell of stilton, it was clear that my friends or family - possibly both - had reserved that very car to present me with a surprise fondue party! Celebrating exactly what, I’m not sure. But at this moment, who cares! I am seated comfortably on the E train, about to eat fondue.

Blissfully riding along in the stinky train car, I tried to spot friends and family. The car was empty except for a homeless person - or perhaps one of my friends dressed as a homeless person (to heighten the surprise).

I began to approach the ‘homeless person’ and the fondue scent became rich and thick. Repulsive and inviting at the same time, is how it could be described.

Eager to eat fondue, I tried to unmask my friend disguised as a homeless person. It soon became clear that the smell on in the subway car was not actually fondue - just homeless feet.